So, I was riding with a childhood friend of mine to school this morning. She saw me standing @ the bus stop one day, was kind enough to offer me a ride, and we have kept in marginal touch ever since. She and I have known each other our entire lives and while we've lost track of each other at times (i.e. high school and most of college), whenever we run into each other, we can always pick up more or less right where we left off. This morning she was telling me about a falling out she'd had with a friend that was incredibly close to her. They'd known each other since high school and had gotten very close, very quickly. Recently, tho, my friend noticed a change in her that she didn't understand. Her friend was becoming increasingly distant and secretive and, try though my friend did to hold onto and mend this friendship, she ultimately had to let the friend go. This was a devastating blow to her because the girl in question was very close to my friend. They had shared so much and been through so much together since high school. Talking to her about this brought about a couple of revelations for me. First off, I understand now why a lot of the ladies I know and talk to on a regular basis don't have a large number of female friends. If that's how the relationship is going to end, why even start it in the first place? I realize this is just one particular example and that it doesn't happen in all cases, but the point still stands. I've long been told that girls carry too much drama with them, and this proves it. This also caused me to want to take a deeper look at my own close relationships. What is something like this happened to me? I have quite a few people that I'm very close to, and our deep relationship has strengthened over time, to be sure, but it started strong from the first. I wouldn't be able to handle something like that easily. It also calls into question the kind of people I consider "friends".
It's such an ambiguous term. How well can one person really know another? Sure, we get together and hang out. We share things about ourselves with each other. We draw each other into our confidences. We add "best" to the word, another ambiguous term, to establish rank and order among our growing list. But what does it really mean to be a "friend"? I believe it comes down to one word: impact. What kind of impact are you having on your so-called friend? What kind of impact are they having on you? Is it positive? Negative? Uplifting? Destructive? These might seem like simple terms to describe what people would call a fairly involved and important process, but perhaps "friendship" is something that needs to be somewhat simplified. Clear away all the trappings and clutter. Ignore what they can do for you. Set aside what you can do for them. What impact are they having on you? I've heard it said before that to know where you're headed, you need only look at the people you associate with. How true is that statement? Perhaps I'm not the only one who needs to do a "friend" evaluation.
Comments (7)
Friend is a very ambiguous term. I tend to refer to people that I get along with as 'acquaintances'. As for starting new 'friendships', I think it might be best to take the Nietzschean view and live for the moment. If you perceive a disastrous end, you just adopt a negative view and you miss out on life. The fear of getting hurt crops up and you destroy all that you could have. Friendship is not a futile effort. Domination may be one way that species survive, but cooperation is definitely another.
@Animekenny - First: Wow. I wasn't even expecting a comment to this post, let alone one so well written. Secondly, while you and Nietzsche make a good point, there is something to be said for taking the long view of things. Focusing only on the moment might keep you blind to something that could seriously hurt you down the road. You're right: cooperation and domination are ways our specific species has survived so long (despite our best efforts to destroy ourselves and each other, but that's another post), but so has being able to anticipate and solve problems in advance. After that first winter, the Pilgrims weren't caught unawares again. The entire science of preventive medicine is based around that very idea. I will never say that friendship is a futile effort. Merely that choosing who you engage in that act with needs to be looked at more closely.
@Piano_Man_85 - Definitely. That goes without saying. I have my friends and then I have people I wouldn't trust as far as I could throw. It's okay to have your defenses. Just look at A Clockwork Orange. Without defense, you're free to be abused and humiliated. I think what I meant to say is that sometimes bad things happen. One day, you'll be 'best friends' with someone, and the next they'll be your worst enemy. Sometimes it's hard to anticipate these things. People grow and they will never again be the people they were. I think what requires the most courage is knowing when to let go. I had a friend that smoked weed. We got along just fine, so it didn't bother me. However, he started pressuring me into trying it and I eventually gave in. At that point in time, I was presented with two roads. There was my friend or a chance with the girl who is now my girlfriend. I decided that because I had given in to trying weed, I had broken down a barrier that I shouldn't have. I had destroyed my one self-defense in the friendship. Unfortunately, I had to let him go. I knew it wasn't the life I wanted. After a year and a half of all the things we had done together, I just let him go. It happens. I've had friendships dissolved over dumber things. I think my point is that I didn't mean to advocate a frivolous existence. Nietzsche himself frowned upon alcohol. I just meant to say that sometimes things happen. Sometimes I worry that things between my girlfriend and I will end. Then we watch a foreign film on a Saturday night and I don't worry about it. Sometimes it's more important to enjoy the company of those you love while you still have it. You only regret "what could have been" after it's over. (P.S. Sorry for the lengthy reply. I'll try to be more concise in the future.)
@Animekenny - Are you nuts? No, whatever length your replies are when you decide to stop talking is fine. Lengthy replies are better than short ones to me, tho. Presents more opportunities for one to ramble. And where are you when I'm itching for a debate? (Prob. off doing hw somewhere, which is what I should be doing when I'm itching for a debate.
) As for "You only regret 'what could have been' after it's over", I would disagree. I think it's perfectly possible, and, in some cases, far more reasonable to wonder "what could have been" w/o any such situation ever happening. There's a girl in my life that I care about a great deal. At some point in our friendship, I discovered I had feelings for her and not too long after, discovered the feelings were returned. For reasons that would need to be discussed via a different medium, I chose not to act on those feelings with her. She has since moved out of the state. On more than one occasion, since she's been gone and before she left, my mind has wandered down "what could have been" Lane. It's a street behind "If I Had Just.." Ave. Wondering "what could have been", I believe, can happen in any situation, past or present. For example, I could "what could have been" about our relationship if we went to the same college, or had a chance to hang out for a few hours. And, since I can't ever just let something lie, how, in your opinion, does friendship form? Is it only possible with face-to-face interaction, or have technological advances made that all but optional at best? Can you get to know someone better via the Internet than you could w/ face-to-face time? What about people you meet on social websites, like this one. Is that relationship stronger than one you have with someone you see on a daily basis? (How's that for lengthy? 
'Course, I tend to be long-winded, too.
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Ay. Here comes another lengthy one. First, I think I may have been misunderstood on what I meant by "you only regret [it] after it's over." The fact that "what could have been" is theoretical in itself doesn't limit it to pathways from actual decisions. I wonder what it would be like to be a bear. I have no choice a bear, but I digress.
As for how one forms friendship, I think that friendship is a very loose term. I think a certain amount of love (which I will define as a mutual concern for the other person) is required.
As for the internet, one can write far differently than he or she acts. Although one may communicate through words on a screen, both parties miss out on the actual human experience of being with the other person (if they have never met or spoken outside of the medium). This leads into the question of if you can really "know" someone. To actually "know" someone would be to realize the sum of the person's entire existence. You would have to view the person through both an objective and a subjective light. In this sense, I don't believe any human can ever truly "know" another human.
Human perception is a tricky thing. Rather than acknowledge a seemingly random universe, the brain has to categorize and place everything within a finite reality. The eye unscrambles light waves and you make a distinction between red and blue (if you're not colorblind). The brain is constantly trying to make sense of things. One of the consequences of human perception is the habit of taking "snapshots" of reality. Humans cannot perceive the infinite. If reality is infinite, humans must focus on only a few aspects of that reality at a time. When you describe yourself to me, you probably think of very few things in a completely simultaneous manner. Perhaps your hair color would prop up and then your height and then an interest and then a dream. Rather than tie any of these ideas together, you've already separated them into categories. In this sense, I feel that as humans, we tend to consciously focus on a few aspects of a person at a time. The concept that all reality is constantly in flux, constantly changing, prevents any true "knowing" of an individual.
Let me add one disclaimer before I close: Yes, I do realize the paradox of describing an infinitely progressing and infinitely multiple reality.
Hi. I just happened across your blog. Great thoughts on friendships. I agree with what you said. I often closely examine my friendships and try to discern how I am helping them and how I am being impacted by them. I dislike it when people count me as one of their thousands of 'friends' yet they really don't care about me as a person, merely as a number. I prefer to refer to people as 'acquaintances' unless we are exceptionally close. I believe the term 'friend' is often used a bit too loosely. Anyway, great thoughts! =)
Hello Jeremy,
You made your site simple yet elegant. I see that you have a wide variety of interests and observations here!
Now is a good time to learn about the true God, Jehovah, and find out what His plans are for us. 9 "The land is filled with blood, and the city is full of wrongdoing. For they say, 'The Lord has left the land, and the Lord does not see.' 10 But as for Me, My eye will have no pity, and I will not leave any sinner without punishment. I will bring their wrong-doing upon their own heads." (Ezekiel 9:9-10)