One of the definitions for the word that also serves as my title is "the situation of being under the regulation, domination, or command of another". It's often said that knowledge is power. I take it a step further and say that power is control. If you have power over something or someone, you have control over that thing or person, that situation. Kinda like the phrase "bringing a knife to a gun fight". In that particular situation, who has the power? The person wielding the gun. Who has control of the situation, then? The person with the gun. Another example that comes to mind is something that comes up frequently in a series I'm reading at the moment: Inheritance, by Chris Paolini (I HIGHLY recommend these books; not only are they excellent, Chris Paolini is a freaking genius! He's the first author in a long time that I've needed a dictionary while I read.) It has to do with true names. The belief in that series by its characters is that knowing the true name of something or someone gives you control over that thing or person. You can make them do whatever you want them to do, good, bad or indifferent, because you know their true name, which describes them. It is this power, this control, over myself that I am, and always have been, so reluctant to give up. In order to explain the point behind this rambling, I need to provide you with some background info first.

As a child, I had a really short temper. It was b/c I was teased a lot. A whole lot. And it was tough b/c I couldn't figure out why most of the other kids in my really small class (less than 20 kids) kept picking on me. Consequently, I was usually ready to fight at the drop of a hat. But I was never in control of my emotions; obviously, they controlled me. It was really obvious, too. Someone said something I didn't like, I would just lose it. One particular situation I recall when I was about 12 resulted in me being carried, literally picked up and carried, out of the room. Needless to say, when I finally calmed down, I was embarrassed as hell. Thinking back on it, I remember our then computer teacher lecturing me for about 10 mins. on how I needed to learn control, how to control myself. That lecture, I believe, was the turning point for me, however subconsciously. I didn't actively wake up a few days later and say to myself in a mirror "Today, I'm going to practice controlling my emotions. No matter what is said about me, I'm not going to get upset. I won't let it bother me and today will be a good day." I just started doing it. Any disparaging comment directed at me was ignored. From then on, I almost never lost my temper in public. To this rule there was one exception, but I was already having a bad day and he had it coming. He never got anything, but he definitely had it coming. At any rate, this was what I did. It became who I was. I was always in control of myself. From then, until now, even, my temper has not gotten, and does not get, the better of me, save a few occasions. And those occasions were justified only in the light that the blowups couldn't be avoided. You know where people just keep pushing and pushing at that one button until you just can't take it anymore? They were situations like that. The point I'm trying to make is to explain the reason I'm as mild-mannered as Clark Kent: I always stay in control of myself and my emotions.

Knowledge is power. Power is control. Control is everything. Without it, you set yourself up for being the subordinate in any given situation. That's why I like to know so much about people. Yes, it's interesting to see how and why they think the way they do. But it's about control. I know more about them than they do me, which lets me control how our interactions go. I determine the flow and direction of conversation. I dictate the relationship. Control freak? You bet your ass I am. B/C the second you lose control, someone else has it. And they might not have your best interests at heart. This is not to say that I buck authority. I have no problem following the laws of the land. I've never been arrested, for example. I have no issue submitting to the demands of my supervisor at my job. I don't butt heads w/ my mom over some of her more...petty issues about things. But that doesn't mean I like it. Why do I always have to be in control? Why can't I just let go? It's what hinders me when it comes to Christianity. The crux of being a Christian is relinquishing control of a lot of things, mainly yourself. Placing yourself in God's hands and trusting that He won't let you go. And I hear stories all the time of how people "put [their] trust in God" and everything came up roses. That's just something I'm not capable of. Maybe I should just give up. Would it make life easier? Or should I exert more effort into actually doing it than I do avoiding it? And how will I know that it works for me? Those other people knew and coud tell when God "showed up and showed out". How will I recognize that for myself?

So, I was riding with a childhood friend of mine to school this morning. She saw me standing @ the bus stop one day, was kind enough to offer me a ride, and we have kept in marginal touch ever since. She and I have known each other our entire lives and while we've lost track of each other at times (i.e. high school and most of college), whenever we run into each other, we can always pick up more or less right where we left off. This morning she was telling me about a falling out she'd had with a friend that was incredibly close to her. They'd known each other since high school and had gotten very close, very quickly. Recently, tho, my friend noticed a change in her that she didn't understand. Her friend was becoming increasingly distant and secretive and, try though my friend did to hold onto and mend this friendship, she ultimately had to let the friend go. This was a devastating blow to her because the girl in question was very close to my friend. They had shared so much and been through so much together since high school. Talking to her about this brought about a couple of revelations for me. First off, I understand now why a lot of the ladies I know and talk to on a regular basis don't have a large number of female friends. If that's how the relationship is going to end, why even start it in the first place? I realize this is just one particular example and that it doesn't happen in all cases, but the point still stands. I've long been told that girls carry too much drama with them, and this proves it. This also caused me to want to take a deeper look at my own close relationships. What is something like this happened to me? I have quite a few people that I'm very close to, and our deep relationship has strengthened over time, to be sure, but it started strong from the first. I wouldn't be able to handle something like that easily. It also calls into question the kind of people I consider "friends".

It's such an ambiguous term. How well can one person really know another? Sure, we get together and hang out. We share things about ourselves with each other. We draw each other into our confidences. We add "best" to the word, another ambiguous term, to establish rank and order among our growing list. But what does it really mean to be a "friend"? I believe it comes down to one word: impact. What kind of impact are you having on your so-called friend? What kind of impact are they having on you? Is it positive? Negative? Uplifting? Destructive? These might seem like simple terms to describe what people would call a fairly involved and important process, but perhaps "friendship" is something that needs to be somewhat simplified. Clear away all the trappings and clutter. Ignore what they can do for you. Set aside what you can do for them. What impact are they having on you? I've heard it said before that to know where you're headed, you need only look at the people you associate with. How true is that statement? Perhaps I'm not the only one who needs to do a "friend" evaluation.

I won't stand before Caesar. When Caesar dies, he will stand before Jesus.

P.S. The girl who sits in front of me in one of my classes has a Swastika tattooed on the back of her neck. Should I be worried?